Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
I am writing in your bullshit pages because my shrink is crazier then I am. He thinks you’re therapy.
Annie Nielsen – What Dreams May Come

I have been seeing a therapist on and off for the 12 years. We have covered everything from eating disorders to depression to screwed up relationships to recreational drug use. She was always there to even me out when I needed her. At one point in time, she thought starting a diary might help. I thought she was nuts. I’ve never been much of an eloquent writer, but I always hope I am going to spew out magic…Hint: I never do. So i figured that writing in a diary was just going to make me upset. I was going to go back and read the nonsense that I wrote and realize that it is all garbage. I was right, sort of. Yes, the jumble of words that I spewed out onto the paper was absolute garbage. But, being able to see my thoughts when i was in a different mind set was clarifying. I didn’t write in it constantly. I only wrote in it at my peaks and valleys…when I was feeling the most depressed, the happiest, the fattest, the skinniest…never drugged out, I didn’t really want to know those. Being able to look back at those thoughts when my demeanor was more even keeled was enlightening. I think part of me hopes that this blog is the same.

It has been a rough couple of days.  I am not going to get into the details. Nothing horrible has happened, just some arguing. Of course, being me, as soon as I start to feel upset, it’s just a slippery slope into the depths of the darkness. I’m pretty sure that is my greatest fear. To fall so far into the darkness that I can’t get out. My life no longer allows me to do that. I have a son, a wonderful magnificent beautiful son that needs me. And he is the reason why I know i will never fall into the darkness again, but that fear is always there. I am hoping that this post will do for me what my diary has done for me in the past….give me some clarity and release on my feelings. Even if i don’t write everything out, just know i was in a place to want to write it.

Arguments are interesting creatures. they grow and spread like a weed….attempting to destroy and suffocate all the goodness out. Words spoken are always taken out of context and lies are told to hurt the other person. None of these things ever help in the long run, but emotions take over and the worst in you comes out. The most important thing to remember is that most likely, the things that were said weren’t meant, and the person who said them will most likely feel bad that they said those hurtful words.

Today was a better day. Things have cooled down and feelings have been discussed. A large part of me wants to jump back in and hope that everything is going to work out. But there is a small part of me that is afraid that nothing was really resolved…that the problem will still occur and another argument will happen. Opinions have been shared and a solution (for the time being) has been determined. However, being the way that I am and the experiences I have had in my life. I am always going to worry and wonder.

I wonder if that will ever stop?